Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Can you repeat that, but with context?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
