My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
