you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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