I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
