don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just googled if crying burns calories
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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