I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
