never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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