I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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