She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
