Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
And then my night got REAL pukey
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
