I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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