if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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