Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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