My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just want to make out with him forever
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
