3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
