You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER