he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
