Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
