why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
