I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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