i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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