Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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