I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
