get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
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I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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