I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
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