Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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