Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
