Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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