Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize