No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
