Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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