I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
