Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You may now shotgun with the bride
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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