Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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