it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
