Moan for me like Helen Keller
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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