i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
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also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
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Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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