I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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