is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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