My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
