So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
