Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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