waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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