i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
