I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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