I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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