i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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