is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
