is your mom at the bar?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
