My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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