You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
