You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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