At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
