I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize