sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Randomize
