Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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