This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
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I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
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I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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