I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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