...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
All the doctor said was why
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
