i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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