They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
he just fucked me for my cheese..
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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