are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize
